The Wandering

There are enough for everyone here. Exit where fools rush in.

I miss Him. I know how busy it's going to be later on, but I will try my best. That's my last bet at getting out of here.

The game has yet to end, rupanya. Everyday when I open my eyes in the morning, I realized that we're still here. What are we doing here? Serving our time?

I'm too tired, already. Everything is going at an unbelievable rate. And yet I don't even know what time is. It does feel like a trap, somehow.

Sigh.. Slow down, one thing at one time, okay?

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Tade EJS pun

We performed at Mont Kiara last night. Was awesome, but it wasn't the best. We did it for fun anyway. Oh well, at least we have the chance to redeem ourselves tomorrow.

If we don't try, we won't know. To be better is a painful process. Still a process nevertheless. It involves time, something that we have totally no control over.

I remember someone asked me; "Why do you have so many ex girlfriends?"

And I said, "I needed to try, if not I wouldn't know if it's going to work out."

I think people don't really mean what they say. They shove several idea down your throat; that you shouldn't give up. They say you must try your best, and find what you want. That you'll know it when it comes, dooda dooda dooda.

But when you do try, rupanya ada hidden clause which is you must only try with them.

Weird. I don't know how to dance gracefully to this beat, yo.

It doesn't jive well with my inner child *drama*

Besides, why take the staircase when you can slide down the ramp through flaming hoops?

Because some people like to play safe, maybe?

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Of faith and fate

Found faith at every corner,
Found fate at every end.

I am not an easy person, yeah I realize that.
Sometimes I too wonder; Why do I make things so difficult *sigh*

Perfect example is the below post. One can clearly see that I wanted my dad to be home. Father's Day are meant to be spent with the children, no? We have always been celebrating, and I guess I am having difficulties to adjust.

But I took the other way around. I won't go and ask for something that I know I won't get. So instead, I shut all windows and doors, not wanting anything from him.

Hati keras.
Macam batu.

I think being soft is a weakness. Let's just hope it won't eat me alive.

Again, all together now;

Found faith at every corner,
Found fate at every end.

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Whats in a date?

Happy Father's Day to a non-existant father figure.

Guess you'll be spending it with your new wife, who could also double as your daughter.

All the more, daddy.. All the more 

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Turun ke earth untuk menari

Hello, again.

Sometimes things happened so fast you don't even have time to mourn, whatmore think before doing/saying it.

I know life is beautiful if we make them to be. Must it involve people everytime? I'm not sure.

I'm struggling to keep Him with me, with all my antics.

I have this theory that I foresee to justify whatever I'm doing in/onto/with my life.

It's like you know that you're from the highest level (the "Sky") You know what's waiting for you there, and your mind and eyes are working together to paint all the right picture for that.

Tapi sekarang mahu turun ke earth untuk menari sekejap. Still keeping in mind about the journey and continue the journey home after menari-nari. Can or not?

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Nothing is Everything

I need a hobby.

Something pleasurable that gives out the silent effect and makes the world disappear. I'm beginning to feel trapped in safety routines. So hard to keep up with the ADD-lah! 

Wild Six brothers are planning up a short ride to Bukit Tinggi. The much needed ride. I so have to get my mind off things. Even for a bit.

You know what's scary? Desire, is. You can lose yourself in the midst of chasing it. 

Well, it's scary to me. I remember reading in one of those many books of Paulo Coelho; you gotta forget your past. It does nothing else but to hold you down from better things.

Everytime I have had a bad breakup, I always feel sorry for the next girl. Even before she arrives! Haha. So much have changed, yet I am still the same.

I've got to forget my past. I owe myself that much, to at least try to be happy?

Detach, detach, detach. It takes a skillful art to pull it off gracefully.

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Intertwined

Inspector Shahab!!

Arrest me for staying true; the fire just keeps growing and what I thought would kill me only made me feeling more alive.

My life is free when I let go of all attachments and just be.

If you don't have it, you don't need it.

1912 080309 

Not too long about 2-3 years ago, I was drawn to my Creator. It happened seamlessly, I was discovering new sense of awareness, ideas and theories that turned out to be answers keep coming in like as if being whispered to you.

But I am very practical, you see. I believe in reasons. Convince me with reasons, and I shall give in. 

I was getting to know Him. Knowing is such an understatement. How can you know the Power that can be anything and everything? Like a box of surprises.

So I decided to be 'nice'. Now, that's very subjective. Only He knows. But to put it loosely in words; I do what I can, when I can and not doing it for my sake only.

Yeah, I want to please Him. This has nothing to do with hell and heaven. 

Last night when papa came, I seriously didn't wanna help him, I had more pressing matters to attend to.

But I was playing by this rule, you see. 

And regretting it for a few good hours until He came back. I hate that state of mind. Macam kat sekolah asrama, pagi-pagi kena kejut simbah air and forced to run. I was totally helpless.

Luckily it went well. So being nice paid off. Nasib baik. I'm sorry but yesterday was the lowest point because if He doesn't help, I wouldn't know how to motivate myself anymore. To tell the difference between the right thing to do and the opposite.

We have come a long way. I'm excited about the journey home. But I'm gonna play it right while I'm here, too.

I have a vivid picture of how I'm gonna be, how my passion and ideas are being transmitted into something useful.

Isn't life just beautiful? You have been given a canvas, He throws sceneries and you make the scenarios. 

I love writing about Him. I forgo my much needed sleep to write this.

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FB

I'm feeling enum (numb)

It's true you can't control anything except your thoughts, your emotions, and your actions.

The amount of frustration when you try to do the best in your capacity, and someone else fucks it up.

Dealing gracefully is almost impossible.

Find me a pretty face to be punched, already.

Fat bitch is driving me crazy.

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Woot

Need to write. Am at the office still, it's 4am. My brain has been officially fried and damaged. For now.

I met someone during my lowest moment not too long ago.

Obviously, I was shamefully too distracted to even consider anything. So unlike me. Hmmpffh.

Turns out to be she's quite fun to be with. A party planner, has her own company and teach children art. She has a degree in fine art sculpture major, bake awesome cakes (I'm not kidding. Siap ada bentuk guitar, cinderella, soccer theme party, you name it!) plays guitar, a sculptor, can paint, bela ular, does shooting at the range, is a graphic designer too, and she keeps surprising me with more. Oh, and she has a twin sister.

A very interesting person, indeed.

Wonder what He has in store for me this time.

Just be sure not to make the same mistake twice, ohmyownself. Love should be on a backburner now. Gotta stop wasting time, have had enough of nothing.

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Hello, world.

Can I tell you something? I'm sure you're busy enough to not remember what I'm gonna say. Since you represent all that is worldly ;) That doesn't stop me from telling anyway.

When I think of Allah, I don't see it like as if He's there and I'm here. I can't relate when people say He's watching over us. Whenever I ride and I look at trees, I know He's in there. When I feel the breeze and the cold wind, I know that's Him too. And even though I can't see fate and time, I know there is a presence of Him in its essence.

It's so intoxicating.

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Hari Terlama di Dunia

Hello,

Today felt so long. The need has called for a wee bit of venting out.

It was raining and I had to juggle both; my real job and my side job. It wasn't easy but I pulled it off gracefully. There was some drama at my illustrator's house. Just had to la kan, at perfect timing!

They both can draw. But her elder twin sister is the one who knows how to do computer illustrationz. The one I hired is just good at hand drawing. So they made a pact. That the elder sister will help to do only the cover design at a price. RM1,000 ; I just found out the figure today. Never bothered to ask before this altho' I knew about the pact. So the younger one will do inside illustrationa that requires more time and delicate attention receives RM4,000.

Rupa-rupanya RM1,000 jealous that RM4,000 is getting more. Best part is, they actually fought in front of me! And the elder one continued to do the cover design tapi sambil lap-lap air mata. And then she suddenly stood up to leave (sebab tade boleh tahan suda kot) tapi terlanggar the standing fan sampai terjatuh. And RM4,000 actually membebel sebab kipas dah jatuh. It was just so bloody awkward, wei!

Last-last, dua dua nangis. Hambik kau! I had to step up and say I will hire someone else to do the cover design coz RM1,000 is being nonchalant about completing her task. Then I will cut off RM4,000 punya payment. Of course.

Baru lah dua dua nak pegi discuss. And came back saying RM1,000 will do it coz she needs the money. Such a waste of time, I tell you. It was still raining and my designers in the office are waiting. So I braced the rain twice in a day. Had the raincoat on but it didn't do much.

Back in the office, the interns needed help. They are not real designers, they're just students for God's sake. Besides, they've been in the office since Friday morning! But my senior programmer and production manager was at home, shagging I think. I had to step up again, luckily I always sat next to my colleagues and see how they create the files, folders plus putting it into the right server, and how to code in XML. I was basically the programmer, the designer, and the production manager for the night. Pretty fucked, alright. But we managed. A few hiccups here and there, but for a team that was not under any reasonable guidance and totally inexperience; we did it! Fastest record for production time, I must say. So proud of them. They gave 110% commitment while others just don't bother.

The intern didn't have transport to go home. And I don't have the heart to ask her to get a cab. It's dangerous, dah pukul berapa tadi. And yes, I ride a bike, sending her home is totally out of the question; there was no extra helmet. So I had to tebalkan muka and ask my ex if she could help coz I know she was in Kota Damansara. She was with 'the man of her life' (she refused to claim it's her bf and I don't plan to ask why) and it was his car. They both are nice people. I am so thankful of them, to extend a helping hand when it's really not their problem. They were both still recovering from last night's party. Post-happypill withdrawal. But they helped. I know how some people think by consuming drugs, doing that to their body is toxic and wrong. It's not about what goes inside you, it's about what you give out. And I had the safest journey in that car, if you are curious :)

So now I'm home. It really was a long day. In the end, drawings were submitted by the twins, and the site has gone LIVE for Disney. Today taught me a lot of things. What money could do to even siblings, how to take charge, how to stay compassionate even in your darkest time, and staying true.

My only wall is time. It pulls me down, it hides the unknown. Do you think God has to wait for anything? He is the matter and the space. He is 1 and 0 in the binary code. When you know how to become the seen, and the seer, you'll begin to understand his Zat.

I long for that day to happen.

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Conscience and Fate

He always prepares cushions for me. Like a landing sponge. I don't even have to say it. But we definitely speak the same language.

I Love You is an understatement. No one can beat You. Nothing.

Just waiting for the day when You're ending this game.

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Si Expressive

It's raining outside, and so I'm stuck.

Riding adalah sangat seronok. Tapi macam love-hate relationship. With God playing the ultimate role in it. And my reactions when it comes to rain are never the same. Kejap marah, pastu cemas, pastu surrender, tetiber jer bersemangat lebih like as if nothing can bring me down if I dont allow them to.

Then kena simbah air dengan kereta laju. I can't even describe how it feels like. Mixed reactions habis, tapi benda tu dah memang expected so it's nothing new. But it makes you feel so small, and so low. And that usually leads you into thinking of Him. What He put you thru. Contradictively, I like that feeling. It's like God is missing you but choose to express it in His own way. He can be really funny at times.

And oh, lori sampah. Adalah subjek yang harus di-include. Dari jauh you can smell the stench of lori sampah. It will become some sort of a mission to find and locate it. Pastu accelerate laju-laju the furthest you can. Sambil tahan nafas. Another way of showing care, perhaps? :)

Sorry I sometimes forget You. It's so good to be alive. It has this kind of effect that makes you forget the Creator and be drown in the worldly creations. Or now, human's creations. I long to go to places that remind me of You. To visit the zoo, to ride to hills and climb mountains.

I guess that gives me the kick of life. I know I used to dwell/analyze/think/desire for someone to go and teman me doing all these. You know, to share. I love to share. I think love is all about sharing the journey.

Can't say I'm still hopeful in that department. But when you're not looking, you forget it even exists. Besides, the journey is supposed to be about finding Him, right? Not about finding someone to go/tag along to find Him. See, it's so easy to stray and be out of focus.

Okay, the rain has stopped. I miss blogging. Si Expressive dapat enough dosage suda.

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Pagi Rabu

The letter from Mahkamah Syariah arrived this morning as I was getting ready to go to work. 4th March it is. Will have to take a day off to teman mama. I guess I will never understand why my parents wasted their life with ego games and self-inflicted pain. But that's their problem.

So much have changed in such a short time. I guess being let down has its own way of bringing you up.

The fire is dying, I can feel it. For some reason I am sad about it. I know it'll take a looong time to ever feel that way again. And I like the feeling of being in love. But now all I think about is myself and it does change me into being someone else. Not sure if I quite like that, but am in no position to choose.

When I was younger, I was so detached from everything else and purely driven by self interests. Then I got closer to mama and the whole experience of living without my dad's financial support made me humble. Who could forget that meal with telur, kicap and ikan bilis. Yeah, I got soft. But now life takes me to that battle field again. I guess the lesson is to not get too comfortable with where you are.

The characteristic list has become longer. Sometimes I think I purposely made it so illogical to the extend that no one can fit in.

Let's not forget Him :)

On a brighter note, marilah melayan Ai Ikam Som Tam, Shatoling Me

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Hanging by the moment

I think the post "Fly High" is best to describe my current state.

I tried again, it wasn't planned and it wrecked me. The wreckage wasn't planned too. Hehe. But I asked for exactly that. To fall and not be stopped or protected.

There is joy in pain. Mistakes to make.

"What is" (whether you like it or not) will evolve into being "What was"

Just hang in there, my little self.

On a brighter note, I talked to my ex Sonia and she updated me on Peter's well being. He has started schooling (phew!) and banyak cakap. Sudah tidak hairan kepada mainan-mainan dan candies. Dan suka lepak dengan orang-orang besar, bermain game seperti "Mari Bertanya" or "Dengar jer Peter cerita"

I miss him so much..

Time is definitely not a luxury right now. But I'll drop by soon. Thought of bringing him to Sunway Petting Zoo. Looking forward to spend a quality day with him. The thought alone can make me smile :)

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Deeper Underground

Yeah, mak kembali di persada atas permintaan ramai. Eceh kah? Sepak mak, please.

Okay lah, jadi sebenarnya mak tade faham how all the lovely people who have graced my life previously with their presence can actually stand me.

Why did I say that? Well probably I was just being humble and waiting for you to say "Nooooo, you're not that bad!" Hahahaha. Matilah seperti menunggu iPhone jatuh miraculously ke atas telapak tangan yang ditadah suci.

Honestly, I won't be able to stand me, no matter how much I can get lost in self-adoration mode during my best days.

Because I loathe myself when the opposite takes place. When I'm being pushed to a corner, when I'm not getting what I want. Think bitter monster that will grow consistently seperti mendapat tetek implan. YEAH.

I try hard to do the balancing act, but it's just not happening smoothly and si suave has just left the building :(

Sometimes it reminds me of the decision I made long ago; when I was down with what life had to offer me and I retaliated. I took drugs to feel in control of myself, when everything else fail. I thought I could show Him that I can still be happy, at my own accord. Of course, that happiness didn't last long. I've broken my vows countlessly and it's unbelievable how He still takes me in.

That's how it is. You retaliate, you don't wanna accept, you do your stubborn act, be childish and turn your back to everything.

And then you realize that all these actions, are not worth your effort. In the end, the power that you wanna be stubborn to, is the same power you wanna impress.

Go figure.

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The two worlds

Just now during lunch I was sitting next to the 'new' old park. It was closed about 6 months for renovation. Re-opened 2 days back, I think. I was with 2 new colleagues who had never seen the old park before. It had a mini lake with a fountain in the center, siap running water bagai. Such bliss. And there were tables around that fountain. Boleh makan sambil dengar bunyi air. Sekarang tade suda, duduk tepi corridor jer.

I thought about those great times with old colleagues when the fountain was there. Got me thinking about 'time'. Where has it gone to, why am I feeling this way about the past. It's like feeling something so unknown to you. I don't know what time is, what it's made of. And there is this wall that is blocking me from knowing. Maybe I don't fancy the feeling of not understanding something I'm pretty much IN.

Only to realize that it's Him, and I should embrace Him. Altho' still in that not knowing state. But that's okay. For a change ;)

And then I complaint to my colleague about yesterday's rain. He is a rider too, and agreed that the weather has gone mad. It was raining in Damansara Perdana during lunch hour, but not in Phileo Damansara. And he said something about seeing the rain from afar while riding and you're going straight into it.

Macam langgar hujan. Hehe.

I've seen it too. It's like there is this thin line, separating the 2 worlds. Next time I see it, I'm gonna stop next to it and breathe. We'll see if I get wet. That means the line moves :)

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The State of Higher Consciousness

I think being calm is essential.

When you know that in life there is no beginning and no end, there is no point in worrying.

I want to fight for what I believe in, without trying to prove anything to anyone. Hence, the need to stay calm. Like having a purpose in life. You won't care what is being said by others.

The more we plan our steps, the more chance that it will go wrong. The more we feel we are in control of everything, the farther off we are from controlling anything. This applies to everything, but unless we understand it, we will never get anywhere.

I ask Him to give me the wisdom to choose between right and wrong, the strength to go thru the days. Sometimes I do get tired of living. So talking to Him helps, tremendously.

Oh, and being grateful even when life pulls you down to rock bottom. Sangat important.

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The Energy

I have always thought of Him as being an energy. Maybe I prefer to see Him from a scientific point of view, rather than the cheesy descriptions people always like to hear about Him. What is an energy?

The First law of thermodynamics = Energy cannot be created or destroyed; only changed from one form to another.
(Also called the law of conservation of energy)

Source: Wikifuckingpedia

And if you ask anyone religious, what is it that cannot be created or destroyed, he/she will say that it's God.

Which I seriously think it's the answer to why nature behaves so efficiently and effortlessly. It is the same energy, being confined into another smaller form. Still the same energy regardlessly. Not to mention such great design.

It's in us, too. Rumi once said, why to you prefer to crawl when you can fly? And that we shouldn't be afraid of death. Coz what strikes the oyster shell doesn't damage the pearl. We are not just bodies roaming around aimlessly, we are a smaller fraction of divine energy. So it's only right to honor this privilege by being a better person every single day.

What I can at least be sure about is, when we surrender, the energy gets bigger. When we don't insist on winning, we get more.

Afterall, nobody learns anything by winning. It's the losing that gives us the wisdom to choose better next time.

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Moving Forward

Here we go again.

Rants need to be let out; for the fear of shrinking the mind with its burden.

What is your fear?
Being let down.

Fear is something that needs to be confronted before it starts taking control of you.

Am feeling a bit poetic today. Must be the after-effect of sleeping together ;)

Look around
People getting busy chasing
The reserved well can run dry
Don't push your luck

Who's there pointing at me?
Don't knock before knowing
who is behind these walls.

But we do what we must
Carrying on, don't dwell on the pain
One day it'll reveal its mask and
you'll find delight in difficulties

Find the exit where fools rush in
Signs are everywhere, don't just keep staring

Smell the flowers, but keep looking in
There isn't much meaning out there
If your eyes are set, but your heart in doubt
Keep looking in

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